A Bit Scared

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Denny ScaredThe past few weeks, my knee is giving me way more trouble.  It hurts almost as much as when I first injured it at work a year ago.  It’s almost like having a small piece of glass wedged under my kneecap.  I’ve worn a knee brace for so long that the skin is raw and pink.  It’s always hot to the touch.  It’s making it hard to stand for any period of time and walking is difficult at best.  Any clothing touching it is highly irritating.

Time SheetThough that doesn’t seem to discourage my manager from trying to get the most out of me.

Just the first two days of the week and I’ve already worked over half of my scheduled hours.  Which is normally 41 hours per week.

The average Joe making minimum wage in Michigan, in a years time is right now under $19,240.  That’s because most full time employees only work 32 – 36 hours per week.  The calculation I made of my income is going to be around $27,000 this year.  This is based on making over $13,500 by the end of June.  If I manage to keep working.  I only make minimum wage too.  That’s a butt-load of overtime.  Averaging 45 hours a week.  Plus fuel fees.

I know what you’re going to say.  Everyone else does.  “But the checks must be nice!”.  Yes, they are.  You know what would be even more nice?  Not spending every day in pain.  Not spending 2 – 3 entire days (open to almost close) at the store every week.  To be quite frank, I’m sick of killing myself for these checks, while I watch people post vacation pictures on Facebook and Instagram who haven’t had a job in years.  I’m sick to death of delivering to people on welfare and disability, only to be stiffed (not given any kind of tip) when I get there.

I can’t help but wonder if working so much is causing my knee to degrade.  But I wouldn’t know.  I’m still waiting for the results of an MRI I had done two weeks ago.

I’m scared if my knee gives out though.  If I won’t be able to work anymore.  What will they find in the MRI?  Can my knee be fixed?  Or will they say nothing is wrong with it.

If I can’t work, I don’t know what my next step will be.  I don’t know who to talk to about getting financial help.  I have some savings.  Though, even with my truck being two months ahead in payments, and my storage also being paid ahead…  The money won’t last but a month, maybe two if I can really stretch it.  Then what?  Should I move out of my apartment to save money?  If so, I only have two days left to move.  I’m not even sure I have another place to go.

Even worse is what if they can’t, won’t or don’t fix my knee.  Then what?


Compression Socks

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Denny HandicapI have never hated my life so much as I do now.  It feels like no matter what I want to do, I am incapable of achieving anything positive.  As the title suggests, I have to wear these stylish new socks because my heart won’t keep water out of my legs anymore.  I could use pills, but they say I’m at risk of a stroke.  Well golly gee.

A lot of my issues stem from the fact that my knee is still screwed up and it seems I can’t get much help without putting up a fight with the people in the healthcare profession.  It’s freaking insane that it’s been over a year.  It’s slowly getting worse.  Making it harder to do anything productive at all.  In so much I have special parking privileges now because of the pain that won’t subside.

Otsego Memorial or Munson Heatlhcare Otsego Memorial Hospital (holy shit-balls who came up with that mouthful of a stupid name).  Didn’t fix shit when it came to handling my knee during the time it was under Workmen’s Comp.  They said just do Physical Therapy and I’d be fine.  No it didn’t heal and I got to the point I couldn’t sit on my ass doing nothing any longer at went to work since nothing was improving.

Two jobs later and I switch to Veteran’s Healthcare.  Looking back, I’m not sure that was a good idea.  The government took away my healthcare discount as soon as I signed up and now the VA is all I have for healthcare because I can’t afford private healthcare.  Way to go Obama!  Trump didn’t help this either.  Except I no longer get penalized for not having personal care insurance.

The VA is virtually useless when it comes to their clinic.  They hardly do anything in the office.  You’re lucky if they give you a vaccination.  Seems they are a front for scheduling you for Hospitals located in Saginaw and Detroit.

On top of the fact that first doctor I got says I should sit, elevate my legs, eat lots of vegetables and fatty meats, and lose weight.  How do you lose weight sitting on your ass?  Plus that diet is prison rape for your asshole.

You can’t just fire a doctor in the VA like you can in private practices.  You have to arbitrate.  So 2 months later, I get a new doctor who is starting over with new x-rays and MRI’s.  I’m just so impatient anymore as I’m tired of no one actually giving me help.

I hate my job now.  I’m surrounded by food, which is a bad idea for me.  I have gained weight instead of losing it.  It’s not as busy as it should be for deliveries.  Seems for every event that comes to town, we slow down while it’s going on.  Was always the opposite in prior jobs.

Between my job and it’s fucked up schedule and the VA, it’s seems I basically work to sleep and drive down state on my days off.  When do I get time for me?  When do I get to actually enjoy a day off?  This working open to close (essentially) has got to stop.  I don’t get a few hours do run errands or decompress after work like a normal job.  It’s shower, eat, work.  Then watch an hour of TV, sleep and repeat.  On the two days I don’t go in until 4pm, I don’t do much as I don’t want to be tired at work.  You know the whole not wanting to fall asleep at the wheel while delivering thing…  I need 9-5 job like I used to have.  I basically gave up stupid people stress for road-rage and exhaustion.

I hate were I live, I should’ve stuck it out at my trailer.  I could’ve got a roommate, but that’s the upside to where I live, no roommate!  Hate having roommates.  Never, ever had good luck with a roommate.

I know what you’re going to say, move!  Get a new job!  It’s hard to just up and change when you’re moving to a smaller town than this one.  Plus finding a job that’s handicap friendly and makes around $14 per hour isn’t going to be easy.  Yeah I make $14 an hour on average at my current job.  Even on shitty days.

Plus, all the friends I once had are gone now.  They have moved on with their lives and when I want to chat with someone, it’s just random people who really could give a fuck less about me.  Or we aren’t close because we don’t share the same values or ideals.

I just want a house and a dog.  Play with my grand kids and that’s about it.  Of course if they don’t fix my knee soon, I might end up disabled.  It’s already turned funky colors.  It’s like I can see my goals, but they are always just out of reach.  Plus these socks just scream, “Never getting laid again!”.  😐


New Doc

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New DocGetting things done via the Veterans Affairs (VA) is slow and painful at best.  Sometimes I think if I had known, I would’ve stuck with the Affordable Care Act (ACA).  The moment I signed up with VA, ACA dropped my discount making any other healthcare very non-affordable.

I just got dental 2 days ago.  I had to do it through a third party insurance at work.  I still do vision from my own pocket.

I wasn’t at all impressed with my first assigned doctor through the VA.  He always tried to impress me with his achievements and his knowledge.  I don’t feel he ever actually did anything to help me.  He’s a marathon runner (yet he’s nearly as overweight as me).  He can diagnose me simply by letting me list my symptoms.  I can do that via WebMD.  It goes on, but I think you get the idea.

His only recommendation to me was to eat vegetables, high fat foods (I guess it won’t kill my heart after all eh?) and be patient.  This was supposed to help me lose weight.  I tried his “diet”.  I felt like I had to live in the bathroom.  The greasy meats and vegetables had me visiting the throne room frequently.  My knee is slowly getting worse.  Now I pretty much wear a knee brace all the time.  Which has caused the skin to get raw.  After a year and some of this pain, I’ve lost all my patients for this hot shot doctor.

I filed to get a new doctor through the VA.  As of this past week, my new doctor is starting all over with me.  New x-rays, new MRI and so on.  I want to be able to go for walks again.  I don’t want to be limping in pain any more.

It’s too early to say if this new doctor will actually follow through, find and fix my issue.  All I can do is have faith that my prayers will be listened too and that this doctor will listen too.



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AcceptanceI’ve chased a dream for nearly 35 years.  Only never to truly achieve it.  That’s a lot of wasted time.  Time I could’ve been focusing on other things.  It is a terribly long time to be stuck in a rut.  I now accept that the dream was never meant for me.

The dream of finding a true love and having a happy family to grow old with.  Like so many, I married only to be divorced.  When I was 16 I went from wanting to be a rock-star drummer to wanting to get married, have children and grow old with someone.  Letting our children take over our home and continue the family name.  While I’m thankful for what I do have, it isn’t even close to the dream I once held.

Things rarely turn out like I plan.  I’ve made a lot of wrong decisions.  Be it life, jobs/careers, who I hang out with, who I get involved with and more.  I’m surprised I’m not an alcoholic and a junkie by now.  Well…  Junk food.

I’m going with what should’ve been Plan A.  Focus on my abilities and buy my own home.  Get a dog and enjoy what is left of life.  I’m sick to death of trying to please others.  Even when I was married, I rarely did anything for myself.  It was always, “what ever you want sweetheart”.  I really thought if she was happy, I would be.  Perhaps moments of levity, but nothing long term.

The upside is I’ll only have a dog to clean up after.  The housekeeping will be easy as I won’t have to deal with dirty laundry on the floor, or garbage in my yard.  I’ll never understand some of these houses I go to every day.  The smell, the amount of disgusting trash in the yard and in the home.And Someone Lives Here

Coming home to a filthy house and dirty dishes will not be a worry anymore.  I’ll never again come home to a new car parked in the driveway we can’t afford.  No longer will I get a surprise phone call at work about how my house payment hasn’t been made in six months again.  I won’t have to deal with some boy suddenly living in my home who never got permission from me to be there.  I won’t have to shake the hand of the man fucking my wife behind my back.
[All true stories.]

And I can finally have carpeted floors where I can walk around in my socks or bare feet comfortably.  Where I don’t have to sweep two and three times a day to keep from ruining socks or having sand embedded in the soles of my feet.

I’ll keep on practicing my drums and guitar.  I do hope to someday play in a concert.  Nothing huge, but something more than a bar gig would be nice.  An actual concert.

In my experience, a dog will love you no matter what.  I really, really miss Chase.  He was my best friend ever.

I’ll buy a home and find a job near my grandchildren.  So I can play with them more often than I do now.  I’m lucky if I see them a handful of times per year.  Hopefully moving closer will help.

By the way, what happened to 5 Seconds of Summer?  They were a kick-ass pop-punk band.  Their latest album suggests they have become a boy-band and should rename themselves to “The Other Direction” 💩

Genuine Compliment

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Thank You!Something happened today that doesn’t happen to me very often.  I got a genuine compliment 🙂

I mean I get compliments from friends and family on occasion, but it’s somehow different when coming from a complete stranger and it’s not prompted in any way.

When someone you know compliments you, it makes you feel good, but you also tend to sometimes say things like, “It was nothing.” or, I’m not that good, but thank you.”.  Though maybe that’s just people like me who have some self-doubt in our abilities.

I’m sure my kids hear compliments all the time.  They are all very gifted in their own ways.  Some of them have experienced the spotlight and have had admiration from all sorts of people they’ve never met.

Frankly I can’t recall when the last time, prior to today, that I got a compliment from a stranger.  At least not about my abilities anyway.  Sure I hear I have a nice truck, or a nice guitar.  Those are things I own.  They aren’t me.

So when I get such a compliment, I almost feel as if saying, “Thank You” isn’t enough.  So I get self-conscious.

By now you are asking yourself, “What the hell is the big deal?”.  I’ll tell you.  Today my guitar instructor started messing around with some of the chords he was showing me and I recognized the song.  So I started to sing the words.  I can sing on some level.  I just don’t show it off much as I don’t feel I’m all that.  Still, he said in earnest that I was very good and to keep going 🙂  Kind of made my day.


Rubber Dummy

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I REALLY want one of these! I’d find it both educational and therapeutic.

Plus, I could try out my new Taurus G2c 9mm 🙂


Learning Something New

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Denny GuitarActually, I’m learning several things.

Even though I am working a basic job, it seems I get a crap schedule.  Despite my having to get drugged up on pain meds and I have to wear a brace just to limp along, I am in high demand.  Hardly a week goes by without overtime.  I love the checks, but it makes it hard to do anything other than come home and rest.  Before working another day where essentially I am working open to close.  (Minus an hour at each end of the day, unless there is a school order.)  I’m worn out and looking for a more normal job that suits my skills and life better.

For about a year now, I’ve been pondering the idea of learning guitar.  Never wanted to learn as a child.  Even though my parents insisted I should try.  I always fancied myself playing drums.  I’m not as good as my son at playing, but I’m novice at the art now.  Honestly, I should’ve put more time into learning drums than chasing girls.  I’d likely be really good by now.  I’m also beginning to learn the art of doing music covers.  I’ve got work to do clearly, but even Cobus looks back at his first videos and cringes.  I’m not even up to where a 13 year old girl can play and make decent videos yet.


With my knee, it’s painful to play drums right now.  I’m currently trying to change doctors in hopes that the new one will take some action.  I haven’t touched my drums in over a week now.

Though even before I wrecked my knee, I have been toying with the idea of learning guitar after all.  So after months of research as to what kind to get and what other gear to invest in to get started, I finally got one.  I’ve had it a couple of months now and started taking lessons locally.  So it will be a good year or more before you see me do anything video related with it.  Between now and then, I hope to release a handful of drum covers as well as spend my spare time learning more about drums, guitar and video editing 😋


Lit – My Own Worst Enemy (Drum Cover)

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I wanted to share this before, but YouTube flagged it before I could.  I tried to share it as the raw video file.  Though every time I tried to give it to anyone as a whole file or link, it was either too big (file size) or couldn’t be played on whatever device the person was using.  Unfortunately I re-injured my right knee during the final snow (storm?) we had a couple of weeks ago.  So I’m not up to playing drums while I am in pain.  I will redo the video as soon as possible so it will be YouTube “friendly”.

It’s my first drum cover, so please don’t be too harsh on me.


Clean is a Problem?

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Clean is a Problem?I don’t get people.  Which is perhaps why I generally don’t fit in with the majority them.  They actually seem to take issue with my cleaning habits.  Say what?!

It’s true, some of the comments I get actually sound like a person is aggravated by my way of living.  Keeping my home and my vehicle relatively clean.  I don’t consider myself a neat freak, I don’t have to have the world in which I live, spotless.  But I do enjoy coming home to and having my surroundings clean and organized.

I get compliments too, but the ones that sound upset or angry really make me wonder what is the problem with how I live.

I’ve actually had people get in my truck and say, “Do you wash this fucking thing every day?”.  Or, “Oh my god you keep this clean!”.  Seriously?  The fact that someone can climb in without me moving trash or old food has them saying things like this?  They sound very annoyed or aggravated.  Like my lifestyle pisses them off somehow.

I get the same kind of things said when someone comes over.  “Your house is so much cleaner than mine!” (more tone than harmful words) or “Are you afraid of germs?”.  No, I’m not afraid of germs.  However, I don’t care much for bacteria to get out of control or live in a moldy home.  Or inviting cockroaches and ants to take over.  Should I be sorry that this person can’t take the few minutes to keep things clean in their life?  It’s not hard.  If they do things as they go:

  • If you open it, close it.
  • If you use it, put it back.
  • If you turn it on, turn it off.
  • If you drop it, pick it up.
  • If you track it in, mop it up.
  • If you spill it, wipe it up or sweep it up.
  • If you find it empty, fill it up.
  • If you use it, take care of it before you return it.
  • If you dirty it, clean it.

Then, when they have to actually do some cleaning it’s a piece of piss.

Even when I had kids in my home, I rarely let it become a wreck.  I’ve never liked nor agreed with that moronic image that gets passed around that goes:

  • Dirty dishes means my kids are fed.  (Doing dishes is a chore and can be rewarded.  Not to mention leaving dishes promotes bacteria growth.)
  • Full trash means I clean up after them.  (Again, another chore, but damn it’s so easy to pull it out and put it outside in the large bins for trash day.  Not to mention it eases up on the smell if it’s outside.)
  • Messy floors means my child has fun.  (Picking after themselves or the parent can do it if they are too young.  Saves on those nasty legos in the feet after dark.  It also teaches them good values.)
  • Unfolded laundry means they wear clean clothes.  (How lazy are people?  It’s not hard and it certainly helps distinguish between dirty and clean clothes of they are just unfolded on the floor.)
  • Wet towels on the bathroom floor means my kids are clean.  (Not if the towels are allowed to mold because no one hung them up to dry.  Replacing moldy towels cost money, mold in respiratory tracts costs medical bills.)

There are variations to that nonsense, but I was taught to clean up after myself (Thanks Mom!).  Why can’t people pass on good habits?  But if someone wants to live in a dirty environment or drive a car full of old fast food, that’s their thing.  That doesn’t mean they should make comments to people like me that sound like my habits somehow hurt them.  I live how I live, why should it bother someone else?


Adult Dating Sucks

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Adult Dating SucksAt least when you are dating as a teenager, you have the chance to grow together.  As adults we are somewhat locked into our outlook on life, our situations and our opinions.  Some adults are way more inflexible than others.  Adults are more incapable of change than younger people.  I’m so fed up lately that I’m about to say fuck it all and just buy my own house and get a dog.  At least a dog will love me no matter what.

It is insane how many people I see through their profile and when I meet them, how broken they have become.  They have let themselves be hurt so many times or taken a break-up so hard that they are negative about themselves and they talk down about themselves.  This one I can relate to.  There are days I feel absolutely incapable of ever being loved.  Of course it is a huge turn off to me.  As I’m sure it is to those I go out with when I get down.  It’s hard to avoid.  You can’t just shrug off hurt and be happy sunshine all the time.  Unfortunately it gets in the way of having a good time with someone new.

Some people have this cookie cutter idea of what their mate needs to be.  If the new person doesn’t fit this mold exactly, it’s an instant fail.  I’ve run into this a few times.  For example, I’m a dog person.  The person I want to date is into cats.  So much so that because I would want a dog, they suddenly have zero interest in me.  No flexibility at all on the subject.  Or I don’t like sports, and they do.  Allowing me to do something different while they watch sports is faux pas.

This one kills me and it a huge put off.  What the hell is with the number of women who are nearly 50 years old and have children under the age of 10?  All my kids are grown and I’m on to grand children.  I don’t want to raise little Johnny Oopsi.  I would find it odd to have Johnny at age 5, who would be basically a step son; who is playing with my 3 year old grandson.  Though a friend of mine came up with a good theory about women like this.  He thinks a good majority of these women were likely the party girl in her younger years.  Suddenly she gets pregnant and her man bolts as he didn’t want any kids, just the sex and junkie girlfriend/wife.  Now she’s in need of a live in babysitter/boyfriend.  Or worse, it was a last ditch effort to save a failing marriage by having another child.  I’m not saying he’s right, but it certainly sounds credible as there are a whole lot of these older moms with young kids available.

This one is really recent.  The last two women I’ve dated ended up confessing that they have STDs.  WHAT THE FUCK!!??  Why are you people on regular dating sites?  There are places for you to find people you are STD compatible with.  PositiveSingles and many more.  I don’t have any STDs and I don’t want any!  This is why I get so annoyed with people who quickly jump into bed with anyone these days.  You risk getting diseases and unwanted children.  What a way to fuck up your own life and possibly some child’s life.  Not to mention spread it around either unwittingly or intentionally.  Why the hell would I want to get with someone with an STD?  I don’t care how common they are, I’d rather stay uncommon thank you.  In both cases I tried to wrap my head around it, but thankfully they both ended before we got far enough to worry about my getting anything.

What I wouldn’t do to be a teenager again.  Life was far easier then.