In Disbelief

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Denny Losing WeightI look in the mirror and I see the same old me.  The same me that has looked back at myself and said, “Damn your fat and ugly.” a million times.  That’s because I’ve been really obese for years.  The last 3 or so years of my marriage was riddled with insults.  Mainly about how overweight I’ve become.  Even though my ex-wife is overweight too, but somehow that’s OK for her.  Not for me.  Since then though I’ve overheard things people say about my weight who think I can’t hear them.  Some just outright say it.  Such as one kid said, “Hey move guys!  Let the fat guy through!”.  I almost got upset, but realized his parents were to blame for that comment.

Until this past summer, I just didn’t have the motivation to really do anything about my weight.  Between injuries and crazy work schedules, I certainly didn’t want to do exercise beyond the walking I would do when I felt good enough to do it.

Then I decided to give Keto a real chance.

Like so many things; I wish I knew then, what I know now.  As of this writing, I’ve now lost 65 pounds and am officially under 300 pounds!

Yet, when I look in the mirror…  I see the same fat, ugly man I’ve become.  Like my lost weight is not real.  Like I haven’t changed at all.

But I’ve went down more than 2 pants sizes.  I had to buy a new coat as my old one was becoming a parachute in the wind.  I try to shrink my shirts in the dryer as they are too big now.  So it must be real, there are real changes happening.  I just wish I could see them in the reflection.  And in my head.

I also look around at other people.  How they eat the things I used to eat regularly.  All the pizza, ice cream, sandwiches, potatoes and baked goods.  Yes, they are all delicious but in the quantities I have consumed and others currently consume, it’s no wonder there are so many of me in this country.

Sadly carbs are easy to come by.  They are cheap and plentiful.  Not to mention they are easily marked up and are still affordable.  We gobble them up.  Now when I look at the way I used to eat, I can’t possibly go back to it.  Even when I get to my goal weight.  I won’t stop what I’m doing.  I may modify it a little.  Right now I eat one cheat meal a week with anything I like.  Because lets face it, you need some carbs.  In small doses.  Once I get down to where I want to be, I’ll go with two cheat meals a week.  But yeah, foods like pizza, baked goods, cereals and such should be treats, not staple foods.

I’ve still got a good year or so to go before I hit my goal.  But I’m not going back to my old ways once I get there.  I’m more than thrilled when I get on the scale and see my progress.

I just wish I could be more happy with my reflection in the mirror.  I feel like nothing is happening.  Or… even if I do become skinny again, I’ll always be ugly and not the handsome young man I once was…