If Only I Had Known Then…

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Time VortexIf only I had known then what I know now.  I would’ve just about changed everything about me.

Honestly, most folks say they don’t have any regrets.  I think they just don’t own up to wanting anyone to know they have regrets.  I unfortunately have more than I can count.  The only thing I like about me is my dark twisted personality.  Some people don’t really like it.  They get offended too easily.  I don’t fit in with today’s over sensitive little cry babies.

I am a serial bad decision maker.  If I wrote a book about my life, I would call it, “The Grey Water”.  That color of water after washing dishes or laundry that’s all dirty grey and the only thing you want to do is flush it away.  That’s all my life has ever amounted to.  Dirty grey water.

Some say I’m not the same person I once was.  I was always so nice and easy going.  That man died February 2012 when I lay dying in a hospital looking back at all the fucked up shit my life had endured.  The bullying, the myriad of unfaithful relationships; the overall shit luck…

That’s the time my heart became cold to everyone who isn’t close to me.  Looking back, vision is always 20/20 and I should have done everything differently.

Name

I would’ve always gone by Denny.  Even beg my mom to get it changed legally.  It’s not like she named me anyway.  It was my deadbeat father.

To everyone who thought my name was cool…  If only I could do a Vulcan Mind-Meld to share how much misery my real name has caused me.  You may think it’s cool, but even today I get joked on for it.  So I rarely let anyone know it who don’t already.

I’ve met other men with my name and most agree, it sucks to have it.

I like Denny.  It’s relatable and people always greet me pleasantly.  Instead of one of several off hand jokes I’ve heard endlessly for 45 years.

Dating

I would’ve avoided every woman I ever had a relationship with.  I apparently attract stupid.  So the women who were attracted to me, didn’t last long.  Thankfully I didn’t date men, but had quite a few stupid men in my life too.

Denny 1986-2

Denny 1986-2

Unfortunately I find myself attracted to sluts.  Not the kind that look like sluts.  You know the ones we assumed slept with everyone based on their appearance.  No, I was attracted to real sluts.  The ones that couldn’t keep their legs closed for other men even if they were in a relationship.  They just loved cock.  Any cock.  They just had to have it.

Honestly, I’m amazed I don’t have some life long STD from these lying, cheating bags of protoplasm.

Plus I was a decent looking guy in my early days, I could’ve done so much better.  Especially if I had chosen a better hairstyle and not been so damn goofy.  Let’s face it, a couple of well placed tattoos, a few muscles and a bad-boy persona would’ve put me in a better place.  Maybe worked up that story of when I got arrested.  It’s a formula that works.  I’ve watched it work for so many bad boys, like a TV rerun over and over all my life.

Maybe better looking women would’ve been more appreciative.  Or at least had something nicer to look at in bed.  I had some low standards back then.

MGTOW

Red PillWished I had known love was nearly extinct on this planet in my early days.  I used to be so committed to finding love.  Love that lasted forever.  Beyond the mortal coil.

Holy fucking shit was I ever let down.  Nearly 40 some relationships including 3 divorces and 3 bankruptcies later, I know now I was chasing a fantasy.  It doesn’t matter that you are devoted to coming home to your wife and children every night.  Those nightly foot massages and back rubs were meaningless.  All the loads of dishes, laundry and house cleaning was to keep me busy while they lounged about unhappy with their lives.

I count myself lucky to not have been divorce raped.

FUCK ALL THAT.  Men Go Their Own Way is something I wish I had learned long ago.  Sadly it didn’t come about until recently.  I could’ve been a pioneer of it.  Live my life, my way and just date women.  Don’t actually get serious or get married.  Ever.  Don’t ever let a woman fuck my fiances up, take my shit or ruin my life in any way.  Also would’ve gotten a vasectomy straight away.  I hear some doctors won’t do it before 25, but I’m sure doctors can be bribed.

I would have a house that’s paid off in a warmer location with land.  Not having to start my life over every single time a serious relationship gets destroyed.

Turns out I’m pretty good with money.  Not perfect or I wouldn’t live in this small ass apartment.  But all my bills are paid on time, I have savings.  Hell the Navy trusted me with Billions, got an award for that shit.  🖕

Music

At an early age, my mom and step dad wanted me to learn to play guitar.  I never got into it then.  But I should have.  I now own 4 guitars and can only play so much but I practice every day.  I still would’ve gone with drums over guitar, but being multi-talented with instruments is never a bad thing.  Being single, I can afford good equipment.

My Instruments
Funny how when I was married and had a shared income, never had money for things like this.

Health

The Look

Denny

I should have started to worked out more as a young healthy man.  Making positive changes to my future.  Exercising now is just exhausting.  Walking is about all I can handle for any length of time.

Not to bulk up, but to tone and add some muscles to me.  I mean my Chiropractor is bald but has a nice build.  His girl is smoking hot.  Plus I’d likely not have as many health issues now had I done that and kept a regular healthy workout and diet.

At first I had no chest at all, it was flat.  Then I got into computers and a bit lazy.  Now I’m hella-overweight.  Fighting to get time in the frozen tundra to take a walk.  Our short ass summers here and no room at all in my apartment for any equipment.  Not to mention my self consciousnesses I don’t like to go to public places anymore.  I need to get a home and some land.  Something I’ve been working on the past few years.  Hopefully this year is it.  Then I can go outside and work.  Play music and be free to be me.

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I’m tired of wasting my life on others.  This is all it’s gotten me.  A big fat nothing.  No longer.  I live for the lord, myself and my children.

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