I don’t do well being alone. All my life I have clung to someone who I hoped loved me as much as I loved them. Always to be let down or infuriated they would lie to me. Worse, be too stupid for me to deal with.
I’ve been single for a 5 year stretch once, but I was never alone. Either had a roommate or friends and family frequently dropping by. Same for when I got back to Michigan, I lived alone for the first year, but had family and friends come by often. I’ve been single for well over a year now and this time, I don’t have a whole lot of people coming around. Which is fine, I need this independence. I realized long ago I don’t like to go out alone. Always invited someone to go with me, otherwise I just wouldn’t go. Since my last divorce, I still have trouble going out to get coffee or food by myself. I have yet to go to the movie theater alone. I’m smart, but have a weak backbone I guess.
I’m becoming a stronger person. I don’t let just anyone in my life anymore. I’m tired of rebuilding it. I’m getting older and it’s harder to get things done, but I must. Every time I let someone in, I get let down hard. Especially financially. Yet here I am now, working a low paying job, and every thing I do, I do for me. Everything is in 3’s. Three marriages. Three divorces. Three bankruptcies. Three heart attacks. I used to love the number 4, called it my lucky number. Now I’m petrified of it.
My health I haven’t been working on as hard as I should be. Mostly it’s hard to find the time working so much. When I do get a day off I’m exhausted and sore. I don’t feel much like taking a walk or dealing with snow and rain.
I have pulled myself out of my financial hole that I was left in 6 years ago. I haven’t had an overdue bill in years. I have no missed payments. Several things are paid ahead (storage, truck payment, etc..). I have a real loan now, for my truck. Not a buy-here pay-here screw me loan. I have an actual credit card now. I have savings that can last me over a month if I end up out of work for a while. I am proud to have regained control of my life.
All these events have left me terribly jaded toward the opposite gender (and there are only two!). Past relationships have ruined my hope for any future ones. I don’t want to let anyone ever get close to my money or my heart for that fact.
My next statement isn’t because I think men who have devastate a woman by raping her should go unpunished. They most certainly should be punished for their crimes. However, ruining a mans life because “back in the day” he touched you in school… It’s call hormones. I used to be cute, I’ve had my ass (and other things) grabbed before. I’m not about to make some woman’s life miserable over it. Women have made it so men don’t want to work with, date or even be near women anymore.
Honestly, fuck you #METOO. How about #IMFUCKINGAWESOME and #YOUREALLYMISSEDOUTONAGOODMAN. Just saying.
It’s a damned pound sign, not a hashtag. You don’t press hash for more options. 😡