I think I understand finally. I think I get why people turn to alcohol and hard drugs. Even why people commit suicide. Life is hard. Sometimes so hard, you beg for some sort of escape. Especially when you’re lonely. I’ve been through my share of pain and hardship. I can’t compare mine to the suffering of someone else though. I’ve no idea what they’ve been through or are currently going through.
As for myself, I’ve had three divorces. One of which was a fraud from the very start. To try and screw me over for the rest of my life. Long story, some know it. I can’t ever once say through any of my marriages, that I’ve ever experienced love the way I think it should be. It’s a long explanation, but the short of it is fidelity through the good and the bad. And that it should be forever.
I’ve been homeless before. It was for a few months, still it seemed like an eternity while I put my life back together. I did and I did it on my own. For each of my marriages, my finances had been ruined each time. Leading to three bankruptcies. My credit has been destroyed time and again. I’m still working to rebuild it after the last disaster. I’ve had some stumble points, but I can say my finances have never been more stable in my entire life. Seems the only way to keep your money in check is to not let anyone else handle it. Which just adds to my trust issues because every time I let someone else handle it, I get screwed. It’s even harder when you’ve been hospitalized or been put out of work for an injury. Especially if the injury ends up putting you in debt with the insurance company that was supposed to take care of you.
Speaking of trust issues. I have a lot of them. Loan someone something of value, they steal it or destroy it. Give your heart away, and they break it. Repeatedly. In the beds of other men and women. Lend someone your car, they do damage to it and all you get is a “man.. I’m so sorry”. Give someone a compliment and they turn it against you. Try to be nice and they take complete advantage of your kindness. Make a mistake, and it’s held against you for all time.
Sometimes I think to myself, why bother trying? But I try. I hope that my efforts will someday be rewarded. Some things I no longer do as I just can’t risk losing what I’ve gained. It’s hard to rebuild your life after a cataclysmic event. Once you finally attain some ground, you don’t want to give it up. For me, $150 isn’t easy to come by sometimes. So loaning out that tool I just bought to someone else is just not negotiable. If it gets ruined, I don’t want to have to come up with the money again.
When I do find a good soul, it’s hard to let them in. It’s hard to trust. Even if you spend time with them, you tend to analyse everything about them. In some cases they are good people with simple flaws. Others, the flaws are too much to take and you can’t stay close to them.
Over all I’ve become so broken. I spend almost all of my free time alone. I feel I have so very few friends. Two live nearby. One is at work and the other I see every few years. The one at work, we only talk at work. We never talk much outside of that. So are we really friends? It’s hard for me to say. The one I see once every few years is someone I knew in high school. I have two online only friends. They come and go with months of silence in between. All the other online friends I once had, have stopped playing games. They are all gone now. One is facing prison and the reasons are too horrible to speak of. So they are not my friend anymore. Still, I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why no one likes to be around me.
As an example, the other day I got quiet at work with my own thoughts. Immediately people asked what was wrong. Why I wasn’t my happy self. If they think I’m a happy person, then why can’t we be friends? I know I am somewhat opinionated. Am I really that bad? Something about me is off putting to others and I don’t know what it is. Is it because I’m too shy? Am I rude? I swear I try so much to make people laugh. I know I’m not very pretty to look at these days. Not like I was years ago.
I’d ask a psychiatrist, but I can’t afford one and my insurance only allows me a suicide hotline. I’m not about to commit suicide. Though if all they want to do is medicate me more, I know that won’t be of much use. Other than make me not care I’m in this state. That’s not a solution.
So yeah. I think I can get why folks turn to substance abuse and suicide. I have my own laundry list as to why I could choose one of those options. I question my life a lot lately.
Though I do not agree with turning to alcohol, drugs or suicide. I am much stronger than that. Even when I’ve lost everything. None of those are options in my opinion.
I wouldn’t ever consider drugs above marijuana. I can’t stand the smell of it anymore though. Frankly as a person who has many thoughts going on all the time, it just magnifies that. It’s not much fun for me. So I don’t do any drugs outside of the ones prescribed for me.
I used to like to have a drink once in a while. But the meds I’m on don’t allow for that without feeling ill. I never did like being drunk though. Loss of motor control actually makes me unhappy. So why bother with that.
Both are too expensive. Both form addictions I don’t want. Neither is a solution. Why would anyone purposely add more complications to their already insanely difficult life?
Suicide makes no sense to me. Especially since I’m certain God saved me from death for a reason. He has yet to let me know why. Frustrating to be sure. Still… Why end your life? Why be nothing? I can’t say for sure if someone who has committed suicide would get into heaven or end up in hell. But why risk losing out on heaven? God will forgive your sins. He’s the reason I’m still here. Regardless of what anyone else thinks of me. I’m still here.
If I never find the love I so badly seek. God will love me. He loves me no matter my opinion. One day he will educate me on the things I find wrong in this life. Until then, I have faith. Even if you don’t believe in God, why risk hurting the ones you love with such actions? Alcoholism, drug abuse or killing yourself only hurts those who love you. If I considered one person would be hurt by that action, I would consider it a non-possibility. Because I would never intentionally hurt a loved one or friend.
These are my opinions. Not facts. My views. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t agree with them. If you managed to read this and somehow got triggered. Go to your safe space if all your going to do is blow up on me. Foamy makes my disclaimer: