I think I understand finally. I think I get why people turn to alcohol and hard drugs. Even why people commit suicide. Life is hard. Sometimes so hard, you beg for some sort of escape. Especially when you’re lonely. I’ve been through my share of pain and hardship. I can’t compare mine to the suffering of someone else though. I’ve no idea what they’ve been through or are currently going through.
As for myself, I’ve had three divorces. One of which was a fraud from the very start. To try and screw me over for the rest of my life. Long story, some know it. I can’t ever once say through any of my marriages, that I’ve ever experienced love the way I think it should be. It’s a long explanation, but the short of it is fidelity through the good and the bad. And that it should be forever.
I’ve been homeless before. It was for a few months, still it seemed like an eternity while I put my life back together. I did and I did it on my own. For each of my marriages, my finances had been ruined each time. Leading to three bankruptcies. My credit has been destroyed time and again. I’m still working to rebuild it after the last disaster. I’ve had some stumble points, but I can say my finances have never been more stable in my entire life. Seems the only way to keep your money in check is to not let anyone else handle it. Which just adds to my trust issues because every time I let someone else handle it, I get screwed. It’s even harder when you’ve been hospitalized or been put out of work for an injury. Especially if the injury ends up putting you in debt with the insurance company that was supposed to take care of you.
Speaking of trust issues. I have a lot of them. Loan someone something of value, they steal it or destroy it. Give your heart away, and they break it. Repeatedly. In the beds of other men and women. Lend someone your car, they do damage to it and all you get is a “man.. I’m so sorry”. Give someone a compliment and they turn it against you. Try to be nice and they take complete advantage of your kindness. Make a mistake, and it’s held against you for all time.
Sometimes I think to myself, why bother trying? But I try. I hope that my efforts will someday be rewarded. Some things I no longer do as I just can’t risk losing what I’ve gained. It’s hard to rebuild your life after a cataclysmic event. Once you finally attain some ground, you don’t want to give it up. For me, $150 isn’t easy to come by sometimes. So loaning out that tool I just bought to someone else is just not negotiable. If it gets ruined, I don’t want to have to come up with the money again.
When I do find a good soul, it’s hard to let them in. It’s hard to trust. Even if you spend time with them, you tend to analyse everything about them. In some cases they are good people with simple flaws. Others, the flaws are too much to take and you can’t stay close to them.
Over all I’ve become so broken. I spend almost all of my free time alone. I feel I have so very few friends. Two live nearby. One is at work and the other I see every few years. The one at work, we only talk at work. We never talk much outside of that. So are we really friends? It’s hard for me to say. The one I see once every few years is someone I knew in high school. I have two online only friends. They come and go with months of silence in between. All the other online friends I once had, have stopped playing games. They are all gone now. One is facing prison and the reasons are too horrible to speak of. So they are not my friend anymore. Still, I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why no one likes to be around me.
As an example, the other day I got quiet at work with my own thoughts. Immediately people asked what was wrong. Why I wasn’t my happy self. If they think I’m a happy person, then why can’t we be friends? I know I am somewhat opinionated. Am I really that bad? Something about me is off putting to others and I don’t know what it is. Is it because I’m too shy? Am I rude? I swear I try so much to make people laugh. I know I’m not very pretty to look at these days. Not like I was years ago.
I’d ask a psychiatrist, but I can’t afford one and my insurance only allows me a suicide hotline. I’m not about to commit suicide. Though if all they want to do is medicate me more, I know that won’t be of much use. Other than make me not care I’m in this state. That’s not a solution.
So yeah. I think I can get why folks turn to substance abuse and suicide. I have my own laundry list as to why I could choose one of those options. I question my life a lot lately.
Though I do not agree with turning to alcohol, drugs or suicide. I am much stronger than that. Even when I’ve lost everything. None of those are options in my opinion.
I wouldn’t ever consider drugs above marijuana. I can’t stand the smell of it anymore though. Frankly as a person who has many thoughts going on all the time, it just magnifies that. It’s not much fun for me. So I don’t do any drugs outside of the ones prescribed for me.
I used to like to have a drink once in a while. But the meds I’m on don’t allow for that without feeling ill. I never did like being drunk though. Loss of motor control actually makes me unhappy. So why bother with that.
Both are too expensive. Both form addictions I don’t want. Neither is a solution. Why would anyone purposely add more complications to their already insanely difficult life?
Suicide makes no sense to me. Especially since I’m certain God saved me from death for a reason. He has yet to let me know why. Frustrating to be sure. Still… Why end your life? Why be nothing? I can’t say for sure if someone who has committed suicide would get into heaven or end up in hell. But why risk losing out on heaven? God will forgive your sins. He’s the reason I’m still here. Regardless of what anyone else thinks of me. I’m still here.
If I never find the love I so badly seek. God will love me. He loves me no matter my opinion. One day he will educate me on the things I find wrong in this life. Until then, I have faith. Even if you don’t believe in God, why risk hurting the ones you love with such actions? Alcoholism, drug abuse or killing yourself only hurts those who love you. If I considered one person would be hurt by that action, I would consider it a non-possibility. Because I would never intentionally hurt a loved one or friend.
These are my opinions. Not facts. My views. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t agree with them. If you managed to read this and somehow got triggered. Go to your safe space if all your going to do is blow up on me. Foamy makes my disclaimer:
I’m glad to finally be back to work at my night job. I just wish this nightmare was over. Turns out, it’s far from over. The whole ordeal with this situation has been a disaster from the start. It took a couple of weeks just to get the paperwork moving. Then another couple of weeks to get the insurance company to put it together. Nearly five weeks to get a check for missed income and an MRI to even look at my knee. That whole time, if the meniscus in my knee had been torn, it would have likely healed incorrectly needing some serious surgery. Thankfully it was just really tweaked.
Finally at that point I get Physical Therapy and some meds to take the swelling down quicker. Things finally start moving and I’m almost at the end of my boredom rope by this time. Total time off work was 7 weeks and 3 days. I receive a couple of checks for income from the insurance company. My understanding was they take the highest 39 weeks of pay and base my income on 66% of that. Well for several weeks, I was working full time and even getting over time on occasion on top of working my day job. I was a working fool until it started to really wear me down. So I backed off to 3 – 4 nights a week at best. And that’s where I’ve been since. So when I got the checks, I assumed it was based on the time I was working like mad.
Today the insurance company tells me they over-payed me. To the tune of almost $800 and they want the money back. I just started working decent hours this week. I was cleared to go back to work on July 27th. Though for the first 11 days I managed to get a whole 4 hours. I might have gotten 9 hours had I not already been doing paint work on my truck. In any case, that’s horrible, but people didn’t want to give up their hours for me. I get that. Sucks, but I get it. Now that I’m managing to get hours, I’m going to have to work more to pay the insurance company because they made a mistake. They admit the mistake, but I have to pay for that mistake. I wish I had more of a choice, but even if I get a lawyer, what would that do? I’d just have to pay the lawyer too. I can’t afford that. If I’m lucky, I might be able to pay $50 every two weeks when I get paid from the night job. That would take me nearly 9 months to pay off. Providing I can keep the hours I’m getting. There are people who had to step in for me while I was out. They want hours too. On top of that, while I was cleared to work, I still have some pain and swelling. I still wear a knee brace to work. A brace I’m hoping the insurance company remembered to pay for. Can’t say I’m trusting this AccidentFund company much. As my friends would say, they cocked it up from the start.
Why does something always have to fuck up Christmas? 😡