When you order…

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When you order...Every single day I have to deal with stupid people.  We all do I’m sure.  I swear it’s getting worse as time goes on.  It’s not helping that I now work over 40 hours a week between two jobs.  It’s taxing to say the least.  My day job I am more understanding of when folks come off as stupid because I don’t expect them to know what I know about computers and technology.  At my night job however, it’s just mentally draining to deal with idiots.

It’s not like I get one or two every couple of nights.  It’s several.  Every single night I work.  God knows I try to make everyone I talk to laugh.  For the most part I can.  Silly voices, funny quips and little things I do when I show up at their door so that I can get them to like me.  If they like me, the better the tips.  It’s a very simple formula.

It’s when they call to place the order that it gets hard to deal with them.  I’ll explain some of the calls I take very regularly that make it hard for me to not want to reach through the phone and punch people in the face for their blatant stupidity.  If it’s Half-Price night, Friday or Saturday night and the phones are ringing off the wall, we don’t really have the patients for stupidity.  Other customers want their food made and delivered.  If you’re tying us to a phone, then food is getting cold and orders aren’t being made.  When you are a delivery driver, that’s not all you do.  You do everything and then deliver too.  It’s that way at every place I’ve ever worked.  Domino’s, Papa Johns, Chanello’s and the place I work now.

All of us clerk types suffer from stupid customers.

The Credit Card

Why do folks have so much problems dealing with these?  You called and ordered.  You want to pay for it now and…   “I have to go get it out of the car.”  “Expiration date?  Oh let me get it back out of my purse.”  “What do you mean declined?”  Two things would make this all go so much smoother.  Know what you want to order and have your credit card in hand.

Giggling Gaggle of Teenage Girls

Oh holy shit…  Every single night there ends up being a group of teenage hormones calling up.  Giggling their asses off and it takes a good 5 – 10 minutes just to take their order as they can’t make up their minds, can’t afford the price quoted or can’t stop laughing.  I’ve noticed that over the years.  It’s like when teen girls get together, the over all I.Q. level drops drastically.  Maybe it does with boys too, but they aren’t so obvious about it.

Little Timmy or Tammy

You know it might be heart warming to want your little 8 year old to order pizza for you.  But unless it’s a quiet Monday afternoon at around 3pm, the aww factor is lost on us taking the order.  We’re busy and don’t have time for little kids who can’t enunciate or are way too shy.  I’m all for it if you can get them to practice their lines first.  Then it’s cute.  Otherwise mommy or daddy needs to take care of business.

Do you deliver?

This one kills me.  Every couple of days I get this one.  Just two days ago I got these exact words.  “Do you deliver here?”  Where?  I’ve no idea where you are.  So I ask for the address.  I get some neighborhood name like, “Meadow Farms”.  I clarify I’m not from Petoskey and don’t know the neighborhoods by name.  Asked for the address again.  I get the road name.  What house number?  It took 5-6 tries to get the address.  Even then, they didn’t give me the city.  Turns out they live in a different town.  So I give them the number to a different store.  They proceeded to ask if they deliver to them.  Call and ask.  Why is it so hard to give us an address?  If you don’t know where you live, we can’t deliver.  Simple as that.  Same goes for the phone number.  We always ask for it in case we get lost or need some help pin pointing you live on a hill, in the woods and we should be able to hear the banjos in the distance.  We have a massive delivery area.  Some places are redneck hell.  Yet folks don’t remember their phone number either.  You’re talking on it, so might want to look.  Sorry caller ID doesn’t always get a number for us.


The constant muttering.  Oh how I hate it.  Uh… Um… If you don’t know what you want, think it over and call back.  We don’t have “um” for a topping.  We don’t know where “uh” is.  Take your finger out of your nose and stop drooling on yourself.

How Much?

“How much is a large pizza?”  Depends on what you want on it folks.  Specialty pizzas are generally a set price while making your own costs per item.  Plus is it pick-up or delivery?  We have specials sometimes.  It’s better to tell us what you want and wait for the total.  If you don’t like it, then make changes.  Asking how much before hand won’t work well.

Oh! And…

You’ve got their order complete, you’ve hit print and it’s now off the screen.  Many times you’ve already totaled out their payment with a credit card, and now they want to add something or change something.  Our setup doesn’t allow us to just void their credit card purchase.  Oh and God forbid you tell them they have to pay for the extra with another credit card payment or with cash.  Which means they were hoping you’d let it slide and give them a little something for nothing.  I’m sorry folks, that’s not the business we’re in.  You want paper plates?  Sure that’s free.  Sauces?  Not so much.  At 75¢ each, that adds up quickly and the boss wouldn’t appreciate giving $3 of stuff away 10-15 times a night.

Douche-bag on the Line

This is the asshole who wants someone else to order, but he or she is on another phone constantly correcting the person placing the order.  Or is in the room, but yelling and interrupting.  Just put the douche-bag on the phone and let’s get this over with already.


I never get why when you can’t hear someone, they insist on not hanging up and calling back.  Instead if it’s all static, they just start yelling.  Like I’ll somehow hear them over the noise.  Instead they are just adding to it.  They could simply try to reconnect by calling back or waiting until they are in a different location where they get better signal.  Instead they “bang their head against the wall” trying to make it work.

At the Door…

Then there’s the assholes who when you get to the door do some of the dumbest shit ever.

Not Home or Not Paying Attention

You get to the door and no one answers.

I took an order to an apartment complex.  No one answered.  After 4 tries and trying to call them, I started to leave.  They came in the complex with ice cream.  They weren’t even home.

They call from work and we beat them to their own house.

Watching a movie at full blast and they can’t hear the door or their phone.

No Money

Suddenly they can’t pay for it.  This happens more often than not with rich people.  Massive house or at a super fancy hotel.  Money to burn and can’t find any cash when you get there.  Poor folks pay with coins at least.  Rich have to call people or run to an ATM.  Why didn’t they just put it on a credit card in the first place?

Do You Take Credit Cards?

Seriously?  I get to the door, the customer doesn’t have enough money and wants to know if I can take a card on the spot.  OK being me I can.  But it’s charged to my business and not the pizza place.  Then I have to go to work and pay for it.  So there had better be a damn good tip involved.  But in most cases, no we can’t do that.  The customer should’ve used some brain power to know if they had the money before they finished their order with us.

And for fuck sake parents.  Teach your kids to put pants on when they answer the door!  Nothing makes a driver feel more creepy than having some tween open the door in their underwear.