Sometimes the people that hurt us the most, are the ones we are most closely related too. I don’t know why some people are determined to bring others down. Especially when those same people who constantly deter you from your own dreams, praise others immensely when they achieve theirs. It’s such a kick in the teeth when you’re the one they deter from achieving your goals.
If my children, friends or family have something they want to achieve, I would do everything in my power to help them along. Even if all I could do is cheer them on. My knowledge and skills are at their disposal. Whether it’s building or fixing their computers. Designing them a website. As in the case of my youngest daughter and her writings. Giving them advice from my own experiences. And more. Even if I may not think that what they want to do is wise, I would still try to be supportive and only give them constructive criticism.
I have my goals and dreams that I hope to someday achieve. They aren’t about fortune and fame, they never have been. But I’d really like to make a mark on this world, in so much as that the people who knew me will remember me to be more than, “the funny but bitter man”. I know I’m bitter sometimes, and I try so hard not to be. It’s just very hard when people hurt me in various ways as has happened most of my life.
I remember being told by different people that I would never make it in the Navy. Not only did I do my four year tour, but I came out with several awards and commendations for my performances while stationed on the USS Enterprise. From a mirror shined floor for President Clinton, to a perfect inspection of my department. Which got me an immediate increase in rank by the Captain of the ship. I also learned the majority of my skills with computers while serving my country.
However, yesterday only one person came to see me. She gave me a present and immediately followed with the words:
When I have extra money, I think of others first.
This was a direct jab at my decision to not celebrate Christmas this year. I should have given her gift back and told her to get out of my house and my life. But I have this lingering respect for her which may eventually be my undoing. When she first found out that I wasn’t doing Christmas, she tried to give me money (thus adding to the people I’d have to pay back) to buy gifts with saying:
You only have four people to buy for.
Which knowing that she meant my two sons, Adam and Allen. And their significant others Laura and Misti. Completely ignoring the two step daughters, Amber and Bethany who live in Virginia still. There’s negativity from her toward the two of them. That pissed me off, as despite everything that has happened, I still consider them my daughters and still love them both dearly. Plus it made me very angry that she just supposed that I was to change my plan just because she wanted me too.
I am hoping the rest of my family and friends understand why I didn’t do Christmas and gifts this year. As it is, it will take me most of 2014 to pay off my medical bills. I do without things I need to do like see a dentist as it’s been a few years. I need to see a chiropractor, but I don’t unless it’s absolutely necessary. I canceled my stress test for my heart because I didn’t want to add another several hundred dollars to my debts. Then I need to pay off someone else I owe. On top of that, still somehow try to achieve my goals and dreams. While they aren’t expensive dreams, they still require some money to get off the ground. I don’t expect them to help me monetarily, but I would hope they support me and help me just as I would them.
Plus I would hope that the ones I love know that Christmas isn’t about gifts, as much as it is family and the birth of Christ. I would’ve loved to spent Christmas with my children, but situations being what they are, it would’ve been awkward for everyone. So I will be happy for any other time I get to spend with them. And I hope that I can spend time with all of them, no matter where they are at some point.