A week ago today, I nearly died. I’m only in my early 40’s. Yes, I’m overweight if it wasn’t obvious from pictures, posts about walking and other things. I had a Heart Attack. Well… Two actually. One on Friday, and one again on Saturday. I was unable to tell what it was at the time, as it was complicated with a pinched nerve in my back that gave the symptoms of numbness to my arms and fingers, had pain in my back, my chest and my head felt like it was burning. On top of that, I became very confused and dazed. In and of itself, it might be classified as a miracle I survived, or at least very very very lucky. Since I didn’t seek any medical attention when it started. I was convinced I was dehydrated and a friend of mine, thought I had the flu. I even finished out the last 3 hours of my shift on Friday. Saturday, I drove myself from Gloucester to the Mary Immaculate Hospital in Newport News. Where they put a stent in one of my hearts main artery’s to prevent it from closing. I knew that was the hospital of choice. I don’t remember much of the trip, but I’m sure it was God who held my hand as I drove.
This has led to my not thinking very clearly the past few days, so forgive me if this reads really oddly. I’m doing my best to keep it coherent.
As if things in my life aren’t messed up enough with a financial disaster ending in bankruptcy, and the end of my marriage, this is just too much for my mind to take in. Although I am very happy that my mom, my kids (all four of them), my friends and my wife’s family all still love and care for me. They visited, called and sent me messages that they were thinking of me and wishing me well. I even had a couple of very nice people I’ve never even met, give me wishes and prayers.
If there is a God, and I’m not saying one way or another that there is or isn’t. But if there is, this is one very fucked up way to let me know I’m loved. Especially the consequences of high medical expenses that will haunt me for whatever period I am meant to live out. It would also make me question God’s methods.
What’s worse, is I still need two more stents put in if I want a shot at living more than a year or two. Adding more costs, more recovery and more stress.
Of course, then this makes me wonder if I was meant to survive. It’s all so very overwhelming.
I’m at home now, or well, I don’t wish to call where I am home. I so badly want to have a place of my own, and now it seems that dream has just been ripped from my fingers. Unless by some freak chance I can find a better job and quickly. Which is my very intention to try to find, as soon as I’m healthy enough to do more than sit on my ass. Thanks to all this nonsense, taking the dog for a walk is very painful and exhausting. So if anyone knows of someone who can use a self taught geek who can fix computers, setup networks, build websites and WordPress themes, and have nearly 20 years experience doing so, please let me know. I’ve dusted off my resume.
I’m determined to find happiness again, even if it kills me.