Thoughts from the Heart

      3 Comments on Thoughts from the Heart

A week ago today, I nearly died.  I’m only in my early 40’s.  Yes, I’m overweight if it wasn’t obvious from pictures, posts about walking and other things.  I had a Heart Attack.  Well… Two actually.  One on Friday, and one again on Saturday.  I was unable to tell what it was at the time, as it was complicated with a pinched nerve in my back that gave the symptoms of numbness to my arms and fingers, had pain in my back, my chest and my head felt like it was burning.  On top of that, I became very confused and dazed.  In and of itself, it might be classified as a miracle I survived, or at least very very very lucky.  Since I didn’t seek any medical attention when it started.  I was convinced I was dehydrated and a friend of mine, thought I had the flu.  I even finished out the last 3 hours of my shift on Friday.  Saturday, I drove myself to the clinic which was closed, then another 20 minutes to the Mary Immaculate Hospital in Newport News.  Where they put a stent in one of my hearts main artery’s to prevent it from closing.  I would’ve gone to Riverside, but that was another 15 – 20 minutes away depending on traffic.  (sorry Miss Amber and Miss Carolyn)

This has led to my not thinking very clearly the past few days, so forgive me if this reads really oddly.  I’m doing my best to keep it coherent.

As if things in my life aren’t messed up enough with a financial disaster ending in bankruptcy, and the end of my marriage, this is just too much for my mind to take in.  Although I am very happy that my mom, my kids (all four of them), my friends and my wife’s family all still love and care for me.  They visited, called and sent me messages that they were thinking of me and wishing me well.  I even had a couple of very nice people I’ve never even met, give me wishes and prayers.

If there is a God, and I’m not saying one way or another that there is or isn’t.  But if there is, this is one very fucked up way to let me know I’m loved.  Especially the consequences of high medical expenses that will haunt me for whatever period I am meant to live out.  It would also make me question God’s methods.

What’s worse, is I still need two more stents put in if I want a shot at living more than a year or two.  Adding more costs, more recovery and more stress.

Of course, then this makes me wonder if I was meant to survive.  It’s all so very overwhelming.

I’m at home now, or well, I don’t wish to call where I am home.  I so badly want to have a place of my own, and now it seems that dream has just been ripped from my fingers.  Unless by some freak chance I can find a better job and quickly.  Which is my very intention to try to find, as soon as I’m healthy enough to do more than sit on my ass.  Thanks to all this nonsense, taking the dog for a walk is very painful and exhausting.  So if anyone knows of someone who can use a self taught geek who can fix computers, setup networks, build websites and WordPress themes, and have nearly 20 years experience doing so, please let me know.  I’ve dusted off my resume.

I’m determined to find happiness again, even if it kills me.

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3 thoughts on “Thoughts from the Heart

  1. Al

    There is a God and he loves you very much. He did not give you a heart attack. Most likely it’s related to your health. God does not kill or hurt people. But yes he can use any situation as a chance to remind you that you loved. When Adam had his car accident, he had an x-ray that revealed the mass. After surgery he’s back in perfect health again. God did not cause the car accident. But was able to use the situation to possibly save his life. Adam was in the hospital for 19 days and was visited by almost every body that he was close to. If you weren’t meant to be alive, then you wouldn’t be. I apologize if this sounds rude. It’s not meant to be. I know that you don’t believe in God. But in such poor health,you better be right.

  2. Theodas Post author

    I wasn’t trying to make this about religion. I can’t exactly blame God for what happened if I am unsure he exists. Although you may have also noticed that I chose to go to Mary Immaculate (the name alone should give it away), it is a spiritual hospital. I could have chosen Riverside, or Sentara had I really wanted too. It’s more about the fact that it takes a near death experience for some of my friends and relatives to show me that they love me. You forget my son, that I’ve been around this great big world. I have stood where Christ was born, and I have stood where he died. As well as many places in between. I’ve prayed at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Just to end up married to a gay woman.

    I want to believe, but so many questions go unanswered. Questions I have no interest in asking here.

    If I must talk religion though, I really want to know why in a world in such peril, where are these so-called biblical miracles now? We certainly could use one.

  3. Theodas Post author

    God does not kill or hurt people?

    Did not God bring upon the plagues that killed the first borns in Egypt?

    “On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn – both men and animals – and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD.” ~ Book of Exodus

    And then I question: Why didn’t he save the Jews from Hilter by using a miracle as such?

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