Acceptance

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AcceptanceI’ve chased a dream for nearly 35 years.  Only never to truly achieve it.  That’s a lot of wasted time.  Time I could’ve been focusing on other things.  It is a terribly long time to be stuck in a rut.  I now accept that the dream was never meant for me.

The dream of finding a true love and having a happy family to grow old with.  Like so many, I married only to be divorced.  When I was 16 I went from wanting to be a rock-star drummer to wanting to get married, have children and grow old with someone.  Letting our children take over our home and continue the family name.  While I’m thankful for what I do have, it isn’t even close to the dream I once held.

Things rarely turn out like I plan.  I’ve made a lot of wrong decisions.  Be it life, jobs/careers, who I hang out with, who I get involved with and more.  I’m surprised I’m not an alcoholic and a junkie by now.  Well…  Junk food.

I’m going with what should’ve been Plan A.  Focus on my abilities and buy my own home.  Get a dog and enjoy what is left of life.  I’m sick to death of trying to please others.  Even when I was married, I rarely did anything for myself.  It was always, “what ever you want sweetheart”.  I really thought if she was happy, I would be.  Perhaps moments of levity, but nothing long term.

The upside is I’ll only have a dog to clean up after.  The housekeeping will be easy as I won’t have to deal with dirty laundry on the floor, or garbage in my yard.  I’ll never understand some of these houses I go to every day.  The smell, the amount of disgusting trash in the yard and in the home.And Someone Lives Here

Coming home to a filthy house and dirty dishes will not be a worry anymore.  I’ll never again come home to a new car parked in the driveway we can’t afford.  No longer will I get a surprise phone call at work about how my house payment hasn’t been made in six months again.  I won’t have to deal with some boy suddenly living in my home who never got permission from me to be there.  I won’t have to shake the hand of the man fucking my wife behind my back.
[All true stories.]

And I can finally have carpeted floors where I can walk around in my socks or bare feet comfortably.  Where I don’t have to sweep two and three times a day to keep from ruining socks or having sand embedded in the soles of my feet.

I’ll keep on practicing my drums and guitar.  I do hope to someday play in a concert.  Nothing huge, but something more than a bar gig would be nice.  An actual concert.

In my experience, a dog will love you no matter what.  I really, really miss Chase.  He was my best friend ever.

I’ll buy a home and find a job near my grandchildren.  So I can play with them more often than I do now.  I’m lucky if I see them a handful of times per year.  Hopefully moving closer will help.

By the way, what happened to 5 Seconds of Summer?  They were a kick-ass pop-punk band.  Their latest album suggests they have become a boy-band and should rename themselves to “The Other Direction” 💩
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Genuine Compliment

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Thank You!Something happened today that doesn’t happen to me very often.  I got a genuine compliment 🙂

I mean I get compliments from friends and family on occasion, but it’s somehow different when coming from a complete stranger and it’s not prompted in any way.

When someone you know compliments you, it makes you feel good, but you also tend to sometimes say things like, “It was nothing.” or, I’m not that good, but thank you.”.  Though maybe that’s just people like me who have some self-doubt in our abilities.

I’m sure my kids hear compliments all the time.  They are all very gifted in their own ways.  Some of them have experienced the spotlight and have had admiration from all sorts of people they’ve never met.

Frankly I can’t recall when the last time, prior to today, that I got a compliment from a stranger.  At least not about my abilities anyway.  Sure I hear I have a nice truck, or a nice guitar.  Those are things I own.  They aren’t me.

So when I get such a compliment, I almost feel as if saying, “Thank You” isn’t enough.  So I get self-conscious.

By now you are asking yourself, “What the hell is the big deal?”.  I’ll tell you.  Today my guitar instructor started messing around with some of the chords he was showing me and I recognized the song.  So I started to sing the words.  I can sing on some level.  I just don’t show it off much as I don’t feel I’m all that.  Still, he said in earnest that I was very good and to keep going 🙂  Kind of made my day.

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Learning Something New

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Denny GuitarActually, I’m learning several things.

Even though I am working a basic job, it seems I get a crap schedule.  Despite my having to get drugged up on pain meds and I have to wear a brace just to limp along, I am in high demand.  Hardly a week goes by without overtime.  I love the checks, but it makes it hard to do anything other than come home and rest.  Before working another day where essentially I am working open to close.  (Minus an hour at each end of the day, unless there is a school order.)  I’m worn out and looking for a more normal job that suits my skills and life better.

For about a year now, I’ve been pondering the idea of learning guitar.  Never wanted to learn as a child.  Even though my parents insisted I should try.  I always fancied myself playing drums.  I’m not as good as my son at playing, but I’m novice at the art now.  Honestly, I should’ve put more time into learning drums than chasing girls.  I’d likely be really good by now.  I’m also beginning to learn the art of doing music covers.  I’ve got work to do clearly, but even Cobus looks back at his first videos and cringes.  I’m not even up to where a 13 year old girl can play and make decent videos yet.

Whatever.

With my knee, it’s painful to play drums right now.  I’m currently trying to change doctors in hopes that the new one will take some action.  I haven’t touched my drums in over a week now.

Though even before I wrecked my knee, I have been toying with the idea of learning guitar after all.  So after months of research as to what kind to get and what other gear to invest in to get started, I finally got one.  I’ve had it a couple of months now and started taking lessons locally.  So it will be a good year or more before you see me do anything video related with it.  Between now and then, I hope to release a handful of drum covers as well as spend my spare time learning more about drums, guitar and video editing 😋

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Lit – My Own Worst Enemy (Drum Cover)

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I wanted to share this before, but YouTube flagged it before I could.  I tried to share it as the raw video file.  Though every time I tried to give it to anyone as a whole file or link, it was either too big (file size) or couldn’t be played on whatever device the person was using.  Unfortunately I re-injured my right knee during the final snow (storm?) we had a couple of weeks ago.  So I’m not up to playing drums while I am in pain.  I will redo the video as soon as possible so it will be YouTube “friendly”.

It’s my first drum cover, so please don’t be too harsh on me.

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Clean is a Problem?

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Clean is a Problem?I don’t get people.  Which is perhaps why I generally don’t fit in with the majority them.  They actually seem to take issue with my cleaning habits.  Say what?!

It’s true, some of the comments I get actually sound like a person is aggravated by my way of living.  Keeping my home and my vehicle relatively clean.  I don’t consider myself a neat freak, I don’t have to have the world in which I live, spotless.  But I do enjoy coming home to and having my surroundings clean and organized.

I get compliments too, but the ones that sound upset or angry really make me wonder what is the problem with how I live.

I’ve actually had people get in my truck and say, “Do you wash this fucking thing every day?”.  Or, “Oh my god you keep this clean!”.  Seriously?  The fact that someone can climb in without me moving trash or old food has them saying things like this?  They sound very annoyed or aggravated.  Like my lifestyle pisses them off somehow.

I get the same kind of things said when someone comes over.  “Your house is so much cleaner than mine!” (more tone than harmful words) or “Are you afraid of germs?”.  No, I’m not afraid of germs.  However, I don’t care much for bacteria to get out of control or live in a moldy home.  Or inviting cockroaches and ants to take over.  Should I be sorry that this person can’t take the few minutes to keep things clean in their life?  It’s not hard.  If they do things as they go:

  • If you open it, close it.
  • If you use it, put it back.
  • If you turn it on, turn it off.
  • If you drop it, pick it up.
  • If you track it in, mop it up.
  • If you spill it, wipe it up or sweep it up.
  • If you find it empty, fill it up.
  • If you use it, take care of it before you return it.
  • If you dirty it, clean it.

Then, when they have to actually do some cleaning it’s a piece of piss.

Even when I had kids in my home, I rarely let it become a wreck.  I’ve never liked nor agreed with that moronic image that gets passed around that goes:

  • Dirty dishes means my kids are fed.  (Doing dishes is a chore and can be rewarded.  Not to mention leaving dishes promotes bacteria growth.)
  • Full trash means I clean up after them.  (Again, another chore, but damn it’s so easy to pull it out and put it outside in the large bins for trash day.  Not to mention it eases up on the smell if it’s outside.)
  • Messy floors means my child has fun.  (Picking after themselves or the parent can do it if they are too young.  Saves on those nasty legos in the feet after dark.  It also teaches them good values.)
  • Unfolded laundry means they wear clean clothes.  (How lazy are people?  It’s not hard and it certainly helps distinguish between dirty and clean clothes of they are just unfolded on the floor.)
  • Wet towels on the bathroom floor means my kids are clean.  (Not if the towels are allowed to mold because no one hung them up to dry.  Replacing moldy towels cost money, mold in respiratory tracts costs medical bills.)

There are variations to that nonsense, but I was taught to clean up after myself (Thanks Mom!).  Why can’t people pass on good habits?  But if someone wants to live in a dirty environment or drive a car full of old fast food, that’s their thing.  That doesn’t mean they should make comments to people like me that sound like my habits somehow hurt them.  I live how I live, why should it bother someone else?

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Adult Dating Sucks

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Adult Dating SucksAt least when you are dating as a teenager, you have the chance to grow together.  As adults we are somewhat locked into our outlook on life, our situations and our opinions.  Some adults are way more inflexible than others.  Adults are more incapable of change than younger people.  I’m so fed up lately that I’m about to say fuck it all and just buy my own house and get a dog.  At least a dog will love me no matter what.

It is insane how many people I see through their profile and when I meet them, how broken they have become.  They have let themselves be hurt so many times or taken a break-up so hard that they are negative about themselves and they talk down about themselves.  This one I can relate to.  There are days I feel absolutely incapable of ever being loved.  Of course it is a huge turn off to me.  As I’m sure it is to those I go out with when I get down.  It’s hard to avoid.  You can’t just shrug off hurt and be happy sunshine all the time.  Unfortunately it gets in the way of having a good time with someone new.

Some people have this cookie cutter idea of what their mate needs to be.  If the new person doesn’t fit this mold exactly, it’s an instant fail.  I’ve run into this a few times.  For example, I’m a dog person.  The person I want to date is into cats.  So much so that because I would want a dog, they suddenly have zero interest in me.  No flexibility at all on the subject.  Or I don’t like sports, and they do.  Allowing me to do something different while they watch sports is faux pas.

This one kills me and it a huge put off.  What the hell is with the number of women who are nearly 50 years old and have children under the age of 10?  All my kids are grown and I’m on to grand children.  I don’t want to raise little Johnny Oopsi.  I would find it odd to have Johnny at age 5, who would be basically a step son; who is playing with my 3 year old grandson.  Though a friend of mine came up with a good theory about women like this.  He thinks a good majority of these women were likely the party girl in her younger years.  Suddenly she gets pregnant and her man bolts as he didn’t want any kids, just the sex and junkie girlfriend/wife.  Now she’s in need of a live in babysitter/boyfriend.  Or worse, it was a last ditch effort to save a failing marriage by having another child.  I’m not saying he’s right, but it certainly sounds credible as there are a whole lot of these older moms with young kids available.

This one is really recent.  The last two women I’ve dated ended up confessing that they have STDs.  WHAT THE FUCK!!??  Why are you people on regular dating sites?  There are places for you to find people you are STD compatible with.  PositiveSingles and many more.  I don’t have any STDs and I don’t want any!  This is why I get so annoyed with people who quickly jump into bed with anyone these days.  You risk getting diseases and unwanted children.  What a way to fuck up your own life and possibly some child’s life.  Not to mention spread it around either unwittingly or intentionally.  Why the hell would I want to get with someone with an STD?  I don’t care how common they are, I’d rather stay uncommon thank you.  In both cases I tried to wrap my head around it, but thankfully they both ended before we got far enough to worry about my getting anything.

What I wouldn’t do to be a teenager again.  Life was far easier then.

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That and This

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That and ThisSpring is just around the corner, well for most places it’s here.  This is the Snowbelt-Buckle.  But hey, the fresh pothole-filler is in bloom!

Still stuck in my work rut.  Looking for a new job and a new place to live.  Especially the new place to live.  My neighbors on the south side of me are complete tools.  Their TV is on all night every night.  They have loud guests over frequently.  God forbid they play First Person Shooters.  Suddenly it’s “Cussfest!”.  I was trying to be the nicer person by not being like them, but since only one of them ever leaves the place, I’m about to say fuck it and jam as I like.  So long as the neighbor on the north side of me isn’t home.  He/she is super quiet.  So much I have yet to meet them as I never know when they come or go.

Besides I have new toys I want to play with and would like the time and freedom to do so.  Can’t do that here and need a more normal hour job where I can have time daily.  Not this get up, rush to work, be there all day, sleep and repeat 4 days a week.  Plus work 1-2 more 6-8 hour shifts.  My only day off I’m running like crazy.  If I’m lucky to get a second day off, the neighbors make it hard to do anything at home.  In which case I’m off with someone I’ve been trying to spend time with 😊

Living at this Extended Stay isn’t as great as I was told it would be.  It’s much cleaner and less moldy as the one on West Otsego Lake.  They don’t have all the strict rules as them either.  But…  The management here doesn’t give a shit about the tenants.  As long as they pay rent, they can pretty much do as they like.  So getting decent sleep is hard at times.  (and I’m still scrubbing the cigarette smoke stains from everything)  I wonder if it is dangerous to my health to live in such an environment.

I may have to start looking for a job out of town.  Like west of Gaylord.  Most of the jobs I can do here are retail or factory work.  I want to use my brain.  My talents.  West of town seems to have other interesting things for me as well.

As for the aforementioned toys, I’ve thrown together a quick and dirty preview.  Yes I have many bugs to work out.  This is a very rough take, made with affordable equipment and an insanely crappy location.

[As evident, YouTube already blocked it 😡 – Uploaded to Vimeo until I can redo it right.]

Eventually when I go public (this video is unlisted), I’ll use drum-less tracks to 1) cut down on copyright tagging by YouTube and 2) help with that timing issue that is evident in the capture.

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Time To Move On

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Denny Needs IdeasTime flies when you’re having fun.  Time drags ass when you have grown bored and annoyed with something.  I can’t believe I’ve been slinging pizza for almost 3 years now.  Granted, I only went full time on it just a few months ago.  The charm wore off pretty damned fast.  I still sometimes have fun doing it.

But it’s beating the shit out of my truck.  Though my biggest problem is the fact I agreed to this goofy-ass schedule.  Four days of the week, I work both the lunch and dinner rushes.  It’s nice not closing, but I basically can’t do anything else on those days.  I get exhausted at by the time I get to last day as they are 9 to 10 hour days.  Sometimes longer if dinner rush lasts right up until closing.

So the one day I generally get off, I end up running all my errands.  That day is pretty much wasted.  I’m still tired and don’t do anything else the rest of the day.  One night, I work the dinner rush.  So I don’t do much during the day so I’m not tired at work.  I’m lucky to get a second day off in the week, as I repeatedly get called in to work.  Or scheduled for it as someone needs a weekend off.  I frequently get stuck with six days and overtime.

Sure I love the overtime, but I have next to no time for me.  I need to decompress.  I want to do things I enjoy and have decent time to do it.  I haven’t shot my gun in six months.  I rarely play my drums.  Between working my ass off and having my neighbors up my ass all the time.  I don’t want to be rude and make a ton of noise.  It’s best to play in the middle of the day when they are gone.  I don’t visit anyone as I’m working all the time.  It’s insane.

Besides I could use a real job that offers dental, possibly medical, paid time off and more would be nice.  The trick is I don’t want to let my mind die at some factory or be a clerk somewhere.  I want to find something that would take advantage of my technical skills and would be awesome if it utilized my creative abilities.  I just don’t know what that would be.  I’m open to suggestions.

As a side note…

To people with a hard-on for hardwood/laminate flooring: I hope you end up spending an eternity in hell sweeping the floors!  Just saying.

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