I’ve chased a dream for nearly 35 years. Only never to truly achieve it. That’s a lot of wasted time. Time I could’ve been focusing on other things. It is a terribly long time to be stuck in a rut. I now accept that the dream was never meant for me.
The dream of finding a true love and having a happy family to grow old with. Like so many, I married only to be divorced. When I was 16 I went from wanting to be a rock-star drummer to wanting to get married, have children and grow old with someone. Letting our children take over our home and continue the family name. While I’m thankful for what I do have, it isn’t even close to the dream I once held.
Things rarely turn out like I plan. I’ve made a lot of wrong decisions. Be it life, jobs/careers, who I hang out with, who I get involved with and more. I’m surprised I’m not an alcoholic and a junkie by now. Well… Junk food.
I’m going with what should’ve been Plan A. Focus on my abilities and buy my own home. Get a dog and enjoy what is left of life. I’m sick to death of trying to please others. Even when I was married, I rarely did anything for myself. It was always, “what ever you want sweetheart”. I really thought if she was happy, I would be. Perhaps moments of levity, but nothing long term.
The upside is I’ll only have a dog to clean up after. The housekeeping will be easy as I won’t have to deal with dirty laundry on the floor, or garbage in my yard. I’ll never understand some of these houses I go to every day. The smell, the amount of disgusting trash in the yard and in the home.
Coming home to a filthy house and dirty dishes will not be a worry anymore. I’ll never again come home to a new car parked in the driveway we can’t afford. No longer will I get a surprise phone call at work about how my house payment hasn’t been made in six months again. I won’t have to deal with some boy suddenly living in my home who never got permission from me to be there. I won’t have to shake the hand of the man fucking my wife behind my back.
[All true stories.]
And I can finally have carpeted floors where I can walk around in my socks or bare feet comfortably. Where I don’t have to sweep two and three times a day to keep from ruining socks or having sand embedded in the soles of my feet.
I’ll keep on practicing my drums and guitar. I do hope to someday play in a concert. Nothing huge, but something more than a bar gig would be nice. An actual concert.
In my experience, a dog will love you no matter what. I really, really miss Chase. He was my best friend ever.
I’ll buy a home and find a job near my grandchildren. So I can play with them more often than I do now. I’m lucky if I see them a handful of times per year. Hopefully moving closer will help.