Reason for Leaving

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Reason for LeavingYou know that box on job applications that says, “Reason for Leaving”?  When I do leave my current job, it’s going to be hard as hell not to put something unprofessional in that box.

I’m serious.  I’ve never been so pissed off at an employer before.  I know I’m not alone in my frustrations with them.  It’s not the owner.  Despite what some may say, she’s a sweetheart.  It’s her General Manager that’s the issue.  The man can not find good employees at all.  When he gets one that works, he works them until they can’t take it anymore and quit.  He also won’t fire people that cause problems at work, so long as they show up and perform.  Even if they call in sick once a week, insult and bully other workers or quit repeatedly but come back.

I’m on the short list of being the next frustrated person to leave.  Not that I don’t plan on leaving anyway when I move.

I’ve made my physical issues well known to my boss.  My right knee is raw and swollen many days from the bone spurs.  Just having any material rub against the skin of my knee burns.  I safety pin the right leg up over my knee to save the skin from torture.  However, until I start treatments for my arthritis, it’s slowly getting worse.

Walking with a limp as I do and have for many, many months.  It has caused Plantar Fasciitis in my left foot.  Making it hard for me to walk any serious distance.

Thankfully my heart isn’t any weaker than it was last year.  And I rarely have asthma attacks.  Still, despite all that going on, my boss seems to think it’s fine to work me into the ground.  I do now sit on a stool when I can, but I need to cut back on my hours.  I need a break.  Granted, I fear I may end up getting more than I ask for.  I haven’t gone anywhere today just to give my knee some rest.  Though I’m scheduled to work nearly 50 hours this week.  I guess it’s a 40th anniversary event.

Frankly I’m over this job.  I guess I have to find a handicap friendly job.  Not sure how easy that will be.

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Final Results

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After over a year in pain, someone finally gives me an accurate result.  In which I can assuredly say that OMH is a bunch of quacks.  Two doctors, an x-ray and a MRI from them and they only made a guess at the problem.  “Likely a torn meniscus.”, “Oh it’s just swollen, a couple of weeks of Physical Therapy and you’ll be back to normal.”.  It never got better.  Only worse.  This past month it’s been flaming in pain at times.  Likely because of high humidity as we had a decent amount of rain.

The first doctor at the VA wasn’t much help either.  He was solely concerned with my weight and waiting.  Pain isn’t something one should have to wait through.  Which is why I had him removed from my care.  My new doctor is taking action.

The MRI results came back from the VA.  I was told it’s arthritis and degenerative loss of the cartilage.  Further information as well as the symptoms fit my situation perfectly.  Making the VA’s MRI results conclusive of Osteoarthritis.

OsteoarthritisImage courtesy of Orthoinfo.

As pictured above, there are bone spurs.  Which is why my knee is swelling in pain and feels like there is a glass shard digging at me.

I guess it was triggered when I injured my knee.  It irritates me no one caught it earlier on as perhaps they could’ve slowed the degeneration.

Sadly I don’t know what the next steps are yet.  I will have to travel to Detroit again.  Likely several times over the next few months.  I don’t know if I’ll need surgery or if they can treat it.  I do know I’ll have to lose weight and get a job that isn’t always on my feet.  If I can find one.  This whole last year was a waste as I was always told to elevate my legs and rest.  That doesn’t lose weight.  I’ve gained weight.  I hopefully have found a way to change my diet that will work, but I won’t talk about it right now as it’s not Doctor recommended.  If it works, I’ll let you know.  I’m phasing out my current food supply and starting the diet right now.  But I’m not going to just throw out food either.  The upside is this diet is food I’ll like 😉

I hope to start taking walks daily again soon.  Providing I can get outfitted with tools that will reduce my pain while walking.

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A Bit Scared

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Denny ScaredThe past few weeks, my knee is giving me way more trouble.  It hurts almost as much as when I first injured it at work a year ago.  It’s almost like having a small piece of glass wedged under my kneecap.  I’ve worn a knee brace for so long that the skin is raw and pink.  It’s always hot to the touch.  It’s making it hard to stand for any period of time and walking is difficult at best.  Any clothing touching it is highly irritating.

Time SheetThough that doesn’t seem to discourage my manager from trying to get the most out of me.

Just the first two days of the week and I’ve already worked over half of my scheduled hours.  Which is normally 41 hours per week.

The average Joe making minimum wage in Michigan, in a years time is right now under $19,240.  That’s because most full time employees only work 32 – 36 hours per week.  The calculation I made of my income is going to be around $27,000 this year.  This is based on making over $13,500 by the end of June.  If I manage to keep working.  I only make minimum wage too.  That’s a butt-load of overtime.  Averaging 45 hours a week.  Plus fuel fees.

I know what you’re going to say.  Everyone else does.  “But the checks must be nice!”.  Yes, they are.  You know what would be even more nice?  Not spending every day in pain.  Not spending 2 – 3 entire days (open to almost close) at the store every week.  To be quite frank, I’m sick of killing myself for these checks, while I watch people post vacation pictures on Facebook and Instagram who haven’t had a job in years.  I’m sick to death of delivering to people on welfare and disability, only to be stiffed (not given any kind of tip) when I get there.

I can’t help but wonder if working so much is causing my knee to degrade.  But I wouldn’t know.  I’m still waiting for the results of an MRI I had done two weeks ago.

I’m scared if my knee gives out though.  If I won’t be able to work anymore.  What will they find in the MRI?  Can my knee be fixed?  Or will they say nothing is wrong with it.

If I can’t work, I don’t know what my next step will be.  I don’t know who to talk to about getting financial help.  I have some savings.  Though, even with my truck being two months ahead in payments, and my storage also being paid ahead…  The money won’t last but a month, maybe two if I can really stretch it.  Then what?  Should I move out of my apartment to save money?  If so, I only have two days left to move.  I’m not even sure I have another place to go.

Even worse is what if they can’t, won’t or don’t fix my knee.  Then what?

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Compression Socks

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Denny HandicapI have never hated my life so much as I do now.  It feels like no matter what I want to do, I am incapable of achieving anything positive.  As the title suggests, I have to wear these stylish new socks because my heart won’t keep water out of my legs anymore.  I could use pills, but they say I’m at risk of a stroke.  Well golly gee.

A lot of my issues stem from the fact that my knee is still screwed up and it seems I can’t get much help without putting up a fight with the people in the healthcare profession.  It’s freaking insane that it’s been over a year.  It’s slowly getting worse.  Making it harder to do anything productive at all.  In so much I have special parking privileges now because of the pain that won’t subside.

Otsego Memorial or Munson Heatlhcare Otsego Memorial Hospital (holy shit-balls who came up with that mouthful of a stupid name).  Didn’t fix shit when it came to handling my knee during the time it was under Workmen’s Comp.  They said just do Physical Therapy and I’d be fine.  No it didn’t heal and I got to the point I couldn’t sit on my ass doing nothing any longer at went to work since nothing was improving.

Two jobs later and I switch to Veteran’s Healthcare.  Looking back, I’m not sure that was a good idea.  The government took away my healthcare discount as soon as I signed up and now the VA is all I have for healthcare because I can’t afford private healthcare.  Way to go Obama!  Trump didn’t help this either.  Except I no longer get penalized for not having personal care insurance.

The VA is virtually useless when it comes to their clinic.  They hardly do anything in the office.  You’re lucky if they give you a vaccination.  Seems they are a front for scheduling you for Hospitals located in Saginaw and Detroit.

On top of the fact that first doctor I got says I should sit, elevate my legs, eat lots of vegetables and fatty meats, and lose weight.  How do you lose weight sitting on your ass?  Plus that diet is prison rape for your asshole.

You can’t just fire a doctor in the VA like you can in private practices.  You have to arbitrate.  So 2 months later, I get a new doctor who is starting over with new x-rays and MRI’s.  I’m just so impatient anymore as I’m tired of no one actually giving me help.

I hate my job now.  I’m surrounded by food, which is a bad idea for me.  I have gained weight instead of losing it.  It’s not as busy as it should be for deliveries.  Seems for every event that comes to town, we slow down while it’s going on.  Was always the opposite in prior jobs.

Between my job and it’s fucked up schedule and the VA, it’s seems I basically work to sleep and drive down state on my days off.  When do I get time for me?  When do I get to actually enjoy a day off?  This working open to close (essentially) has got to stop.  I don’t get a few hours do run errands or decompress after work like a normal job.  It’s shower, eat, work.  Then watch an hour of TV, sleep and repeat.  On the two days I don’t go in until 4pm, I don’t do much as I don’t want to be tired at work.  You know the whole not wanting to fall asleep at the wheel while delivering thing…  I need 9-5 job like I used to have.  I basically gave up stupid people stress for road-rage and exhaustion.

I hate were I live, I should’ve stuck it out at my trailer.  I could’ve got a roommate, but that’s the upside to where I live, no roommate!  Hate having roommates.  Never, ever had good luck with a roommate.

I know what you’re going to say, move!  Get a new job!  It’s hard to just up and change when you’re moving to a smaller town than this one.  Plus finding a job that’s handicap friendly and makes around $14 per hour isn’t going to be easy.  Yeah I make $14 an hour on average at my current job.  Even on shitty days.

Plus, all the friends I once had are gone now.  They have moved on with their lives and when I want to chat with someone, it’s just random people who really could give a fuck less about me.  Or we aren’t close because we don’t share the same values or ideals.

I just want a house and a dog.  Play with my grand kids and that’s about it.  Of course if they don’t fix my knee soon, I might end up disabled.  It’s already turned funky colors.  It’s like I can see my goals, but they are always just out of reach.  Plus these socks just scream, “Never getting laid again!”.  😐

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New Doc

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New DocGetting things done via the Veterans Affairs (VA) is slow and painful at best.  Sometimes I think if I had known, I would’ve stuck with the Affordable Care Act (ACA).  The moment I signed up with VA, ACA dropped my discount making any other healthcare very non-affordable.

I just got dental 2 days ago.  I had to do it through a third party insurance at work.  I still do vision from my own pocket.

I wasn’t at all impressed with my first assigned doctor through the VA.  He always tried to impress me with his achievements and his knowledge.  I don’t feel he ever actually did anything to help me.  He’s a marathon runner (yet he’s nearly as overweight as me).  He can diagnose me simply by letting me list my symptoms.  I can do that via WebMD.  It goes on, but I think you get the idea.

His only recommendation to me was to eat vegetables, high fat foods (I guess it won’t kill my heart after all eh?) and be patient.  This was supposed to help me lose weight.  I tried his “diet”.  I felt like I had to live in the bathroom.  The greasy meats and vegetables had me visiting the throne room frequently.  My knee is slowly getting worse.  Now I pretty much wear a knee brace all the time.  Which has caused the skin to get raw.  After a year and some of this pain, I’ve lost all my patients for this hot shot doctor.

I filed to get a new doctor through the VA.  As of this past week, my new doctor is starting all over with me.  New x-rays, new MRI and so on.  I want to be able to go for walks again.  I don’t want to be limping in pain any more.

It’s too early to say if this new doctor will actually follow through, find and fix my issue.  All I can do is have faith that my prayers will be listened too and that this doctor will listen too.

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Acceptance

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AcceptanceI’ve chased a dream for nearly 35 years.  Only never to truly achieve it.  That’s a lot of wasted time.  Time I could’ve been focusing on other things.  It is a terribly long time to be stuck in a rut.  I now accept that the dream was never meant for me.

The dream of finding a true love and having a happy family to grow old with.  Like so many, I married only to be divorced.  When I was 16 I went from wanting to be a rock-star drummer to wanting to get married, have children and grow old with someone.  Letting our children take over our home and continue the family name.  While I’m thankful for what I do have, it isn’t even close to the dream I once held.

Things rarely turn out like I plan.  I’ve made a lot of wrong decisions.  Be it life, jobs/careers, who I hang out with, who I get involved with and more.  I’m surprised I’m not an alcoholic and a junkie by now.  Well…  Junk food.

I’m going with what should’ve been Plan A.  Focus on my abilities and buy my own home.  Get a dog and enjoy what is left of life.  I’m sick to death of trying to please others.  Even when I was married, I rarely did anything for myself.  It was always, “what ever you want sweetheart”.  I really thought if she was happy, I would be.  Perhaps moments of levity, but nothing long term.

The upside is I’ll only have a dog to clean up after.  The housekeeping will be easy as I won’t have to deal with dirty laundry on the floor, or garbage in my yard.  I’ll never understand some of these houses I go to every day.  The smell, the amount of disgusting trash in the yard and in the home.And Someone Lives Here

Coming home to a filthy house and dirty dishes will not be a worry anymore.  I’ll never again come home to a new car parked in the driveway we can’t afford.  No longer will I get a surprise phone call at work about how my house payment hasn’t been made in six months again.  I won’t have to deal with some boy suddenly living in my home who never got permission from me to be there.  I won’t have to shake the hand of the man fucking my wife behind my back.
[All true stories.]

And I can finally have carpeted floors where I can walk around in my socks or bare feet comfortably.  Where I don’t have to sweep two and three times a day to keep from ruining socks or having sand embedded in the soles of my feet.

I’ll keep on practicing my drums and guitar.  I do hope to someday play in a concert.  Nothing huge, but something more than a bar gig would be nice.  An actual concert.

In my experience, a dog will love you no matter what.  I really, really miss Chase.  He was my best friend ever.

I’ll buy a home and find a job near my grandchildren.  So I can play with them more often than I do now.  I’m lucky if I see them a handful of times per year.  Hopefully moving closer will help.

By the way, what happened to 5 Seconds of Summer?  They were a kick-ass pop-punk band.  Their latest album suggests they have become a boy-band and should rename themselves to “The Other Direction” 💩
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Genuine Compliment

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Thank You!Something happened today that doesn’t happen to me very often.  I got a genuine compliment 🙂

I mean I get compliments from friends and family on occasion, but it’s somehow different when coming from a complete stranger and it’s not prompted in any way.

When someone you know compliments you, it makes you feel good, but you also tend to sometimes say things like, “It was nothing.” or, I’m not that good, but thank you.”.  Though maybe that’s just people like me who have some self-doubt in our abilities.

I’m sure my kids hear compliments all the time.  They are all very gifted in their own ways.  Some of them have experienced the spotlight and have had admiration from all sorts of people they’ve never met.

Frankly I can’t recall when the last time, prior to today, that I got a compliment from a stranger.  At least not about my abilities anyway.  Sure I hear I have a nice truck, or a nice guitar.  Those are things I own.  They aren’t me.

So when I get such a compliment, I almost feel as if saying, “Thank You” isn’t enough.  So I get self-conscious.

By now you are asking yourself, “What the hell is the big deal?”.  I’ll tell you.  Today my guitar instructor started messing around with some of the chords he was showing me and I recognized the song.  So I started to sing the words.  I can sing on some level.  I just don’t show it off much as I don’t feel I’m all that.  Still, he said in earnest that I was very good and to keep going 🙂  Kind of made my day.

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Rubber Dummy

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I REALLY want one of these! I’d find it both educational and therapeutic.

Plus, I could try out my new Taurus G2c 9mm 🙂

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Learning Something New

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Denny GuitarActually, I’m learning several things.

Even though I am working a basic job, it seems I get a crap schedule.  Despite my having to get drugged up on pain meds and I have to wear a brace just to limp along, I am in high demand.  Hardly a week goes by without overtime.  I love the checks, but it makes it hard to do anything other than come home and rest.  Before working another day where essentially I am working open to close.  (Minus an hour at each end of the day, unless there is a school order.)  I’m worn out and looking for a more normal job that suits my skills and life better.

For about a year now, I’ve been pondering the idea of learning guitar.  Never wanted to learn as a child.  Even though my parents insisted I should try.  I always fancied myself playing drums.  I’m not as good as my son at playing, but I’m novice at the art now.  Honestly, I should’ve put more time into learning drums than chasing girls.  I’d likely be really good by now.  I’m also beginning to learn the art of doing music covers.  I’ve got work to do clearly, but even Cobus looks back at his first videos and cringes.  I’m not even up to where a 13 year old girl can play and make decent videos yet.

Whatever.

With my knee, it’s painful to play drums right now.  I’m currently trying to change doctors in hopes that the new one will take some action.  I haven’t touched my drums in over a week now.

Though even before I wrecked my knee, I have been toying with the idea of learning guitar after all.  So after months of research as to what kind to get and what other gear to invest in to get started, I finally got one.  I’ve had it a couple of months now and started taking lessons locally.  So it will be a good year or more before you see me do anything video related with it.  Between now and then, I hope to release a handful of drum covers as well as spend my spare time learning more about drums, guitar and video editing 😋

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Lit – My Own Worst Enemy (Drum Cover)

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I wanted to share this before, but YouTube flagged it before I could.  I tried to share it as the raw video file.  Though every time I tried to give it to anyone as a whole file or link, it was either too big (file size) or couldn’t be played on whatever device the person was using.  Unfortunately I re-injured my right knee during the final snow (storm?) we had a couple of weeks ago.  So I’m not up to playing drums while I am in pain.  I will redo the video as soon as possible so it will be YouTube “friendly”.

It’s my first drum cover, so please don’t be too harsh on me.

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